My nephew, Alex, has joined T-Ball this summer! Here are a few snap shots of him. His games are every Tuesday and Thursday night. He’s doing pretty good. He can hit the ball quite well, but when it comes to catching? Yeah, he’s not so hot at that yet.

Normally when I blog (the rare occasion) I try to plan what I’m going to say before I post it, at least a little bit. However, this blog post is going to be completely random, is that okay with you guys? You wont walk out on me now, will you?

Great! So let’s get started, shall we?

At this very moment can you guess what I am doing? —Crying? Yes! Wow, awesome guess, you get a GOLD star!

“Oh no! Why are you crying, Hope?” Thanks for asking, reader, I really appreciate the concern. Essentially? It’s because of my boyfriend. I wont say names, or even anything much about him for his own privacy (yeah, I love him enough to keep our drama at least somewhat private 😛 ). We’ve been going through some really rough patches lately and it’s been leaving us in such a stressed out atmosphere with one another that I think it is leading to a very destructive state. And quite frankly? I’m really, really running out of ideas on what to do.

Okay, so…I was thinking maybe my readers could help me out. Are you willing to give some advice? I hope so! But for that to happen, you probably need to know a little bit more about our situation. Let’s start with the basics, okay?

We began officially dating not until I think February, but we’ve been “romantically” talking for I’d say at least one year.  We are 10 years apart in age. He is one of the smartest people I have ever met (which is actually really sexy to me).  We share lots of similar interests, life goals, and both pretty much want the same things in life. Sounds great, right?

It’s not. It’s actually kind of a nightmare. He isn’t exactly experienced in how to handle a woman, or perhaps treat her, I’m really not sure how I should say this (hey I warned you, none of this is planned…I’m just typing away)…But he is just really…mmm…difficult? He’s probably the most stubborn person I have ever met in my entire life. He also thinks he knows everything. And because of this? He thinks I’m the stupidest person he has ever met in his life. Which quite honestly is leading to the demise of our relationship. He talks down to me every now and then, and it’s essentially verbal abuse, if you ask me. I hate it. I tried to hint at it the last time I visited him (a week ago). (OH!! I forgot to mention. We live in different Continents.  He lives in Europe, and I live in the U.S. Really makes things that much more difficult, if you ask me). Anyways…hinting. I told him that when he argues with me about things, it’s really annoying, and just shows how big headed he is about his own knowledge about things in this world.  The worst part about all of this is that he admits to me that he thinks I’m dumb.  What kind of f**king boyfriend does that kind of thing? That’s a hint of the…lack of knowledge…on how to handle women comes in, ehh? Starting to see where I’m coming from, maybe a little? Great!

So let’s move on from that, I mentioned that too soon, anyways. Probably because 5 minutes before I began writing this we just finished fighting about the very thing. Oh, I guess I can’t forget about my flaws in the matter, though, right?

He as well claims that I am verbally abusive. There is only one instance that he could specifically recall, so it’s really all I have to go on at this point. I’m sorry if it is a lack of evidence, or overwhelming evidence of my being verbally abusive! But there was one time when we were lying in bed together, we had just had a very miniature fight (due to his insomnia…I like to have my boyfriend actually spend the night with me), and we were beginning to talk things over a little and I said something that pissed him off, I don’t remember what (this wasn’t the verbally abusive part), but it caused him to stomp off. He didn’t say a word, he just jumped out of bed (actually quite fast) and stomped his way out of the bedroom, and down the hall. Well, his stomping was quite displeasing to me, and I found it a little going over board. So it is what was stuck in my mind about his very rude departure. So when we talked again I told him that he was stomping around like a child (You know? How when a child gets really pissed off and throws a temper tantrum and they stomp their feet? Yeah..that’s totally what it reminded me of, except that he wasn’t trying, waving his fist around, and shouting at me as well). But that is what I was accused of being verbally abusive about. Let’s make sure you’re clear on this:

“You were stomping around like a child” – Me

That is what I said that brought me to being told that I am verbally abusive. He says there is more, and honestly, I’m sure there probably is. But, we don’t recall specifics so I cannot give them to you at the moment, I apologize. His reasoning behind saying that what I said there was verbally abusive was because I was insinuating immaturity…soo…I was being verbally abusive.

Honestly? I don’t see it. But, if I want our relationship to work I HAVE to try and be more understanding about it. So…I offended him. Okay. I accept that, and I apologize, perhaps I should have said my analogy of him stomping away in a different form. I just do not know. Or, maybe I could have just kept my big mouth shut about how absurd I thought he had been. But then, that’s not fair to me because that’s just essentially telling me that I’m not allowed to speak my mind. Maybe that’s just the case. Maybe I just can’t stand up for myself.

Okay, let’s move on from this area now. I’m pointing out so many negatives that it’s actually depressing me! There really, truly are positives in our relationship, I mean for Christ’s sake I think I might be in love with him. I’m not sure, but it’s close, or at least it was…I promise you, when we’re not all drama-tized out, I’m truly happy that he’s my boyfriend and I would seriously consider spending the rest of my life with him. So before I move on, please keep that in mind, I really don’t want to make this sound like a bitch-fest, I’m just seeking advice, okay?

What else is there, then? Well, he is conflicted if he even wants to fall in love with me. This mostly, I think, goes back to the intelligence thing. He doesn’t think I’m curious enough, he doesn’t think I like to learn, and I’m pretty sure he thinks he deserves someone a bit more intelligent than myself (honestly, do I sound stupid to you? I’ve never in my life been called dumb, I’ve always been the intelligent one..this actually came as a shock to me. It also probably does not help at all that he has ten years on me. Of COURSE he’s going to know more than me, shouldn’t that be obvious? Ten years ago I probably didn’t know half of what I know now. Shouldn’t that say something? I wish he realized that…I guess I should end this parenthesis now…). So, that’s that. And it’s really rough, and I don’t know how to deal with that actually. I don’t even know what I should do.

There are more things, I’m sure, but I’m exhausted. So can you guys please, please give me advice on how I can make this relationship work? What can I do? Should I just start reading more books? Should I go to anger management?

Or do you think that when we’re back in the same country, living with each other, things will just smooth out?

There are so many good things about “us” that I am trying really hard to make “us” work. But…well, it takes two to make it work. I really hope he can think of something, or at least try to put in a valiant effort to really make this work, because I don’t want to lose him. He’s my best friend, my world, and honestly I feel such a connection during our private moments that I really don’t want to be with another man again.

But…like I said, it takes two to want that. Maybe I’m just a rag, to get him started. Maybe that was the plan all along, I sure hope not. I love him.

I’m really disappointed in myself. This past semester I performed the poorest I ever have in terms of schooling. I’m not sure if it’s because I stopped caring because I knew I was switching majors, or what. Either way, I did really poorly in every education-related class (i.e. Educational Psychology, Foundations of Music Ed, etc). I think it is a mixture of things.

1. I was sick most of the semester off and on leaving me incapable to attend most classes
2. I entirely slacked off a lot. I was so depressed almost the entire semester that I just stopped giving a shit. It’s sad, really.
3. I realized I didn’t want to go into Music Education. And because of this I saw no point in doing work that would not help better my future career.

However, I’m still really disappointed in myself. I’ve never done so bad in school my entire life. I really have a lot of plans, dreams, and hopes and I really hope that the way I performed this semester doesn’t hold me back from those dreams.

On another note, I’ve recently received A LOT of crap about how much older Jason (my boyfriend) is than me. It’s actually getting to the point where I’m getting annoyed. I don’t care what people think, but there is absolutely no reason to be an asshole about it. My parents approve, and so do my siblings. That’s enough for me to be satisfied with my decision. What makes you so important in my life that your opinion of merely an age difference should make me change my mind? If you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut. I love him. Let me decide who I show interest in spending my future with, would you?

With that, yes, I know he’s older than me. I realize it’s not exactly an ideal situation, I know that. But you can’t help who you fall in love with. I’m hoping with all my strength that my relationship with Jason really works. I’m scared it wont. Somethings keep me from being extremely positive about it, but there’s always hope. I feel like we’re made for each other. Even though, logically that can’t be possible. But by that I mean that we have so much in common that it makes me feel strongly that our future together would really work. Why?

Well, we seem to both want the same things in life. Children, successful careers, successful marriage, etc. We agree on religious views which I think is extremely important when it comes to raising your children. If you didn’t that’s just one more strain to put on your marriage, I don’t need that. We pretty much agree on how to raise our children. And we are fully capable of compromising with one another to come to a “logical” conclusion of what to do next.

Those are just a few, of many, examples of why I feel so strongly that we would “work” as a couple. I love that he’s not just focused on himself, but mostly on me. He wants to make me happy, to not hurt me, for me to follow my dreams. It’s not just sexual “making my happy”, but everything. He allows me to open up to him, to be mad at him, and apologize later.

Even though I don’t think he sees it, I think we have a really healthy relationship at the moment. Even though I’m seemingly miserable all the time, I’m really not. I mean, our situation isn’t exactly ideal, which is the main reason why I come off as miserable. I want him by my side, to be with me, to be able to hold me. But right now, it’s just not something we’re capable of. In due time we will, but until then we’ll have to settle for short, and long between visits. But I really feel the wait is worth it. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship (A LOT!!). But in the end, if we can pull through this…I think we’ll really be able to do this. I really am glad we’re going to take a chance on each other, because I really believe the reward is going to priceless. I really hope we spend the rest of our lives together.

Change of plans: I’m not going to Adrian College in the fall. I’m actually going to stay in Flint and attend Baker College for their Vet Tech program! Everyone is kind of pissed at me about it. My friends and family feel like I’m giving up a good opportunity, but I know what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it. I guess I just do not see the point in me staying at Adrian if they don’t have anything  to offer me other than cheap schooling? So, I’m going to jump straight into their Vet Tech program and get started on my future.

A lot of things have been happening since the last time I wrote here, but a lot of which I really ought not to mention here. Exams are this upcoming week, which means I’m at a total and complete lack of sleep. I CANNOT wait for school to be done. Only 3 more weeks until I go to Italy to see Jason again, I’m excited and yet semi nervous due to recent happenings. We’ll see. I’m sure we’ll have a “fantastic” time no matter what! 😉 I really look forward to seeing what the future holds for us, but until then I’ll just take things easy and try to relax a bit. Or at least try to!

I think this summer I’m going to be spending some time reading some books, especially in terms of apologetics. I’ve seemed to somehow lost my train of thought on exact facts on why I’m an Atheist, now it just feels so natural, I’ve kind of forgot all of my exact reasons. Kind of pathetic, ehh? I have a few “obvious” reasons, but nothing really sound. Nothing that I can sit and debate with a religious person, and win. Which isn’t how it should be. I feel, no matter what, that Atheist’s have a more sound belief, a more realistic view. And I need to refresh myself on some good ‘ole apologetics. Even science. Science can really give a person many reasons to feel confident in their lack of belief 🙂

P.S. Go Red Wings! (Hockey playoffs, people, it’s hockey playoffs…)

School is coming to an end. I’m not going to be a music education major anymore, either. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it, but I do know that I have absolutely no desire to become a teacher. I know I’m not a good enough horn player to major in performance. So…I’m going back to my original plan and going to become a veterinary technician. Technically, I shouldn’t go to Adrian College in the fall because as a Vet Tech you dont take/major in anything “specific”. You just got to a school that has a Vet Tech program. It’s a two year program, you pass a final test, and get certified. Sounds good to me, ehh?

But…I am going to go to Adrian College in the fall for absolutely no reason what-so-ever other than to keep Krista company. I encouraged her to come to my school, and now that she is all set to go, I’m going to leave her? Yeah, I feel kind of like a jerk for that. So, one more year, help out Krista, and waste some money. Sounds like a plan to me.

Jason and I are officially back together. Which is good, we have been for a few weeks now, I think. Anyways, I’m going back to visit him in Italy on May 18th, 3 days after my brothers wedding! Everything is starting to look up from here…I’m just ready to be done with this semester and go see Jason again. Only a few weeks left. 4 more weeks until I’ll be with Jason again!