Posted by: Hope | June 7, 2010

I need your advice, guys

Normally when I blog (the rare occasion) I try to plan what I’m going to say before I post it, at least a little bit. However, this blog post is going to be completely random, is that okay with you guys? You wont walk out on me now, will you?

Great! So let’s get started, shall we?

At this very moment can you guess what I am doing? —Crying? Yes! Wow, awesome guess, you get a GOLD star!

“Oh no! Why are you crying, Hope?” Thanks for asking, reader, I really appreciate the concern. Essentially? It’s because of my boyfriend. I wont say names, or even anything much about him for his own privacy (yeah, I love him enough to keep our drama at least somewhat private 😛 ). We’ve been going through some really rough patches lately and it’s been leaving us in such a stressed out atmosphere with one another that I think it is leading to a very destructive state. And quite frankly? I’m really, really running out of ideas on what to do.

Okay, so…I was thinking maybe my readers could help me out. Are you willing to give some advice? I hope so! But for that to happen, you probably need to know a little bit more about our situation. Let’s start with the basics, okay?

We began officially dating not until I think February, but we’ve been “romantically” talking for I’d say at least one year.  We are 10 years apart in age. He is one of the smartest people I have ever met (which is actually really sexy to me).  We share lots of similar interests, life goals, and both pretty much want the same things in life. Sounds great, right?

It’s not. It’s actually kind of a nightmare. He isn’t exactly experienced in how to handle a woman, or perhaps treat her, I’m really not sure how I should say this (hey I warned you, none of this is planned…I’m just typing away)…But he is just really…mmm…difficult? He’s probably the most stubborn person I have ever met in my entire life. He also thinks he knows everything. And because of this? He thinks I’m the stupidest person he has ever met in his life. Which quite honestly is leading to the demise of our relationship. He talks down to me every now and then, and it’s essentially verbal abuse, if you ask me. I hate it. I tried to hint at it the last time I visited him (a week ago). (OH!! I forgot to mention. We live in different Continents.  He lives in Europe, and I live in the U.S. Really makes things that much more difficult, if you ask me). Anyways…hinting. I told him that when he argues with me about things, it’s really annoying, and just shows how big headed he is about his own knowledge about things in this world.  The worst part about all of this is that he admits to me that he thinks I’m dumb.  What kind of f**king boyfriend does that kind of thing? That’s a hint of the…lack of knowledge…on how to handle women comes in, ehh? Starting to see where I’m coming from, maybe a little? Great!

So let’s move on from that, I mentioned that too soon, anyways. Probably because 5 minutes before I began writing this we just finished fighting about the very thing. Oh, I guess I can’t forget about my flaws in the matter, though, right?

He as well claims that I am verbally abusive. There is only one instance that he could specifically recall, so it’s really all I have to go on at this point. I’m sorry if it is a lack of evidence, or overwhelming evidence of my being verbally abusive! But there was one time when we were lying in bed together, we had just had a very miniature fight (due to his insomnia…I like to have my boyfriend actually spend the night with me), and we were beginning to talk things over a little and I said something that pissed him off, I don’t remember what (this wasn’t the verbally abusive part), but it caused him to stomp off. He didn’t say a word, he just jumped out of bed (actually quite fast) and stomped his way out of the bedroom, and down the hall. Well, his stomping was quite displeasing to me, and I found it a little going over board. So it is what was stuck in my mind about his very rude departure. So when we talked again I told him that he was stomping around like a child (You know? How when a child gets really pissed off and throws a temper tantrum and they stomp their feet? Yeah..that’s totally what it reminded me of, except that he wasn’t trying, waving his fist around, and shouting at me as well). But that is what I was accused of being verbally abusive about. Let’s make sure you’re clear on this:

“You were stomping around like a child” – Me

That is what I said that brought me to being told that I am verbally abusive. He says there is more, and honestly, I’m sure there probably is. But, we don’t recall specifics so I cannot give them to you at the moment, I apologize. His reasoning behind saying that what I said there was verbally abusive was because I was insinuating immaturity…soo…I was being verbally abusive.

Honestly? I don’t see it. But, if I want our relationship to work I HAVE to try and be more understanding about it. So…I offended him. Okay. I accept that, and I apologize, perhaps I should have said my analogy of him stomping away in a different form. I just do not know. Or, maybe I could have just kept my big mouth shut about how absurd I thought he had been. But then, that’s not fair to me because that’s just essentially telling me that I’m not allowed to speak my mind. Maybe that’s just the case. Maybe I just can’t stand up for myself.

Okay, let’s move on from this area now. I’m pointing out so many negatives that it’s actually depressing me! There really, truly are positives in our relationship, I mean for Christ’s sake I think I might be in love with him. I’m not sure, but it’s close, or at least it was…I promise you, when we’re not all drama-tized out, I’m truly happy that he’s my boyfriend and I would seriously consider spending the rest of my life with him. So before I move on, please keep that in mind, I really don’t want to make this sound like a bitch-fest, I’m just seeking advice, okay?

What else is there, then? Well, he is conflicted if he even wants to fall in love with me. This mostly, I think, goes back to the intelligence thing. He doesn’t think I’m curious enough, he doesn’t think I like to learn, and I’m pretty sure he thinks he deserves someone a bit more intelligent than myself (honestly, do I sound stupid to you? I’ve never in my life been called dumb, I’ve always been the intelligent one..this actually came as a shock to me. It also probably does not help at all that he has ten years on me. Of COURSE he’s going to know more than me, shouldn’t that be obvious? Ten years ago I probably didn’t know half of what I know now. Shouldn’t that say something? I wish he realized that…I guess I should end this parenthesis now…). So, that’s that. And it’s really rough, and I don’t know how to deal with that actually. I don’t even know what I should do.

There are more things, I’m sure, but I’m exhausted. So can you guys please, please give me advice on how I can make this relationship work? What can I do? Should I just start reading more books? Should I go to anger management?

Or do you think that when we’re back in the same country, living with each other, things will just smooth out?

There are so many good things about “us” that I am trying really hard to make “us” work. But…well, it takes two to make it work. I really hope he can think of something, or at least try to put in a valiant effort to really make this work, because I don’t want to lose him. He’s my best friend, my world, and honestly I feel such a connection during our private moments that I really don’t want to be with another man again.

But…like I said, it takes two to want that. Maybe I’m just a rag, to get him started. Maybe that was the plan all along, I sure hope not. I love him.



  1. You asked for advice but you will probably not like my advice. Break up with him.

    Long distance relationships never work. Don’t waste any more of your life in this relationship.

    He is 10 years older than you, that is too much.

    He does not respect you which will poison the relationship. Men who will verbally abuse you, make the transition from verbal abuse to physical abuse.

    Run, don’t walk away from this guy and find a guy who will cherish you, closer to your own age.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. Long distance relationships are not only challenging, they are VERY challenging.

    There are 10 years apart in your ages. Usually, not always, 6 years is about the age difference that usually works best as far as compatibility.

    You do not need anger managment classes . . . unless there is someone in your life, more than one person telling you this and you’re also getting in trouble with the law and at work — I doubt anger is your problem. You do not need to read more books on relationships. You don’t need to “fix” yourself for this man.

    If this man thinks he needs someone more intelligent, then maybe you need someone more caring with a larger heart! It’s a lot easier to become more intelligent than it is to become more caring.

    Yes, intelligence can be sexy. But all the sexy in the world can’t care for you like someone who honestly loves you and enjoys your company — you being you without changes.

    Maturity may or may not come to this man. Intelligence does not equate maturity. I’m going to assume he is the one who is 10 years younger.

    Life really, really is too short spending all our time and attention to those people who only throw crumbs of affection and interest our way. It gets exhausting to carry the relationship, no matter how alluring the other person is.

    If he is your best friend, why would he treat you like you aren’t very smart? There is several kinds of intelligence . . . another intelligence is emotional. I wonder what his emtional intelligence is?

    Successful relationships are made with equal partnerships. It sounds like this man is lacking in the practical experience with women department. I think you’ll have to ask yourself a few questions . . . when you were HIS age were you mature and fully ready to carry on an adult relationship with someone 10 years your senior? Do you find it noble to prove your worth to another person so that he may (or may not)
    accecpt you for who you are? What would a relationship look like with someone who liked you for you and didn’t think you needed to change or be different?

    There is work IN a relationship, but to get a relationship TO work is a different story.

    My heart goes out to you,
    Elizabeth : )

  3. PS: I just read in another part of your blog that Jason is 10 years older! I assumed because of his behavior/actions that he was 10 years younger.

    Now I think this guy is even more of a schumtz. He definitely should be more sensitive to your feelings with all of his age in years. Older doesn’t mean wiser though.

    Relationships shouldn’t be this painful. Really.

    I *know* he has good things about him. Almost EVERYONE has good things about them. EVERYONE. I can look back and see MANY good things about my old boyfriends. None of them were evil people.

    Only you can decide if and when to move on. The pain truly has to outweigh the pleasure.

    I recommend choosing someone who really likes you and you don’t have to keep guessing. Your heart will thank you.


  4. […] I need &#1091&#959&#965r advice, guys « Hope Lounge […]

  5. LOL! I just reread my first note, “There is several types of intelligence . . . “. HA HA! I speaks good Engrish.

    Sorry about that . . . wish there was an edit feature . . . hope you are doing well and hanging in there!

    Hugs from cyberspace and spellcheck,
    Elizabeth : )

  6. When a 20-something-year-old guy is still single (and not entirely by choice), there’s usually a good reason for it – and an especially good reason for a young girl to stay away from him. You said he isn’t experienced in handling a woman. Well, there’s that.

    You can’t force a relationship. You can’t change anyone. If at this point you can’t get along with each other, chances are this will never turn into a happy relationship. Let it go. Realize that you’re only 19 – there will be other guys. I would also recommend finding someone closer to your age next time, especially if you’re the type of girl who wants a long-term relationship instead the simple thrill of dating “an older man.”

    I know you’re asking for advice to make this relationship work, but I really don’t see how it can work. If this is just the beginning of the relationship and you’re already trying to change yourself (i.e., by reading more books and going to anger management) to make him happy, THINK about what you would have to do in five years. Take my word for it – you don’t want to go down that path.

  7. Sorry, I have a lack of interest in checking my blog dashboard every day.

    I guess all of your responses is sort of what I expected. Part of me knows what should happen, but it is very difficult for me to accept. In fact, Jason and I are still together and we’re trying to work this out together.

    We still have plans to live together, and I’ve realized a lot of the issues we have is because of me. Ever since we started seriously showing interest in one another I’ve been pushing the whole “love” thing. I’ve been pushing so hard to make this relationship go in the direction that I want it to go (i.e. falling in love, him moving back to the United States, getting married, having children, etc.). And because of my pushing it has caused some serious strain in our relationship. He’s the type of person that likes to take his time in decisions, and he absolutely hates to be pushed. Clearly, me doing what I have been isn’t working. So for now, I am focusing on merely chilling out. Pushing less, talking less about us, and focusing on us just being friends. Because if we can’t be friends and get along, we sure as hell can’t be in a relationship.

  8. Marriagecoach1 is dead on the mark.

    But no surprise, you will not listen. You ask for advice, but never had any intention of actually taking it.

  9. You obviously know the typical aversions to distance and age difference as mentioned in other responses.

    I am speaking from a point of reference of having been with the same man for 15+ yrs & married for 10+. Fighting / arguing as you describe is something that shouldn’t be happening this early in a relationship. Things that are points of contention now, only get magnified once you move in together & then magnified again once you get married.

    You have to see that having these problems, without even seeing each other regularly, is a big red flag.

    You find him being smart sexy. Does he just seem smarter because he has 10 years of life experience on you? Statistically, relationships of people of similar intellect work out much more in the long run due to the exact problems you are running into in mis-matched intellect. He sees you as not very bright/smart in relation to himself. That’s the only comparison that matters. You could have two 20-year olds, one a genius & the other average. It’s highly unlikely it would work out. But a 20-year old genius & a average 30 year old, might have a better chance. Make sense?

    Best of luck to you.

  10. David, what really makes you think you have the right to say anything to me about marriage…I mean, really? We’re not friends anymore. We don’t talk. And you’re in an unhappy marriage. I’d really rather not hear from you…not until you learn to respect me.

    SuziQ, yes it does make sense. It’s something to think about, but the problem is that I don’t find myself as unintelligent at all. I’m actually somewhat conceited about my own intelligence so when I found out that he disrespected me in terms of my intelligence, it came as a huge shock. I really think it has a lot to do with the age difference, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that he is extremely intelligent himself. I’ve never met someone so smart. Not even any of my teachers or professors. Maybe I’ll run some of the things you had to say by him and see what he thinks.

  11. ALL the intelligence in the world can never equal a loving heart. Never.

    You know if a man is really in love with you because he will continually show respect and kindness towards you, and to the people whom you also love. He will always think of your safety and be protective, but not to the point of being controlling or possessive.

    When a man is serious about you, he goes the extra mile. He makes you feel like you’re worth it, not worthless. He values your differences, not points them out to awaken your insecurities.

    He doesn’t play mind games, or make power plays in the relationship. He accepts you in “as is” condition. He doesn’t compare you to his ex, or to his mom, or to Kate Winslett or Angelina Jolie. He realizes that no one IS perfect and accepts you with your quirks, shortcomings, and different moods.

    One example of a power play would be telling a person he thought she isn’t very intelligent (or intelligent ENOUGH), or that he was more intelligent that her. What purpose does this really serve? It doesn’t really bring you closer, but puts distance in the relationship and moves the “more intelligent” person to the perceived one-up position. This is NOT a relationship based on emotional health, nor equality, nor respect, nor kindness.

    Are you attracted to someone who finds something about you inferior with the “challenge” to prove them wrong? There is A LOT more to being a well-rounded person than high IQ. How a person TREATS you in a relationship should be one of your utmost concerns.

    If you are 19 years old as another poster suggested you have MANY years ahead of you to hone your ability of character discernment and relationship skills. Nineteen, contrary to how we feel at the time, IS a young age. Many people don’t even know who they are and what they want out of life until age 30! We always want to think we are special, we’ve got it right, we are ahead of our time . . . we always want to think we are “above average.” Thinking you’re above average is . . . well . . . average.

    One of the things that would serve you well is to embrace a relationship with a man that actually loves you and doesn’t leave you doubting whether or not he wants you in his life. You also have to be attracted to that man as well and THAT is the real challenge — being attracted to a man who honestly and earnestly loves you. You can be attracted to many men who don’t really love or care for you; you can have a man who loves and cares for you, but to whom you are not attracted. Therein IS the true conundrum.

    Sometimes, however, all the words of other people, books, advice columnists, and blog responders will fall on deaf ears until the person “in love”, and sexually hooked on another goes THROUGH the relationship to finally experience more pain than pleasure over time eventually ending the relationship, after much heartache and disappointment. There is NO substitute for life’s experience.

    We frequently want to think that we are “the one” — the special person that will make the other person come around, love us, creating that great relationship if only we persist and have patience. When these failed, but passionate relationships, do evenutally come to their demise, and after some time, MOST people will never admit that the experience was a “waste of time”, but rather a learning experience that made us who we are today . . . wiser and more capable of choosing a better person to love.

    I wish you all the best . . . blessings to you Hope,

  12. Elizabeth,

    I really hate to admit this, but I really think you nailed it on the head. Everything you just said as so much truth behind it…it scares me. I really ought to consider ending this relationship, but that is going to be so hard. Thank you so much for your support, I appreciate it.


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