Posted by: Hope | May 3, 2010

Disappointment and My Relationship

I’m really disappointed in myself. This past semester I performed the poorest I ever have in terms of schooling. I’m not sure if it’s because I stopped caring because I knew I was switching majors, or what. Either way, I did really poorly in every education-related class (i.e. Educational Psychology, Foundations of Music Ed, etc). I think it is a mixture of things.

  1. I was sick most of the semester off and on leaving me incapable to attend most classes
  2. I entirely slacked off a lot. I was so depressed almost the entire semester that I just stopped giving a shit. It’s sad, really.
  3. I realized I didn’t want to go into Music Education. And because of this I saw no point in doing work that would not help better my future career.

However, I’m still really disappointed in myself. I’ve never done so bad in school my entire life. I really have a lot of plans, dreams, and hopes and I really hope that the way I performed this semester doesn’t hold me back from those dreams.

On another note, I’ve recently received A LOT of crap about how much older Jason (my boyfriend) is than me. It’s actually getting to the point where I’m getting annoyed. I don’t care what people think, but there is absolutely no reason to be an asshole about it. My parents approve, and so do my siblings. That’s enough for me to be satisfied with my decision. What makes you so important in my life that your opinion of merely an age difference should make me change my mind? If you don’t like it, then just keep your mouth shut. I love him. Let me decide who I show interest in spending my future with, would you?

With that, yes, I know he’s older than me. I realize it’s not exactly an ideal situation, I know that. But you can’t help who you fall in love with. I’m hoping with all my strength that my relationship with Jason really works. I’m scared it wont. Somethings keep me from being extremely positive about it, but there’s always hope. I feel like we’re made for each other. Even though, logically that can’t be possible. But by that I mean that we have so much in common that it makes me feel strongly that our future together would really work. Why?

Well, we seem to both want the same things in life. Children, successful careers, successful marriage, etc. We agree on religious views which I think is extremely important when it comes to raising your children. If you didn’t that’s just one more strain to put on your marriage, I don’t need that. We pretty much agree on how to raise our children. And we are fully capable of compromising with one another to come to a “logical” conclusion of what to do next.

Those are just a few, of many, examples of why I feel so strongly that we would “work” as a couple. I love that he’s not just focused on himself, but mostly on me. He wants to make me happy, to not hurt me, for me to follow my dreams. It’s not just sexual “making my happy”, but everything. He allows me to open up to him, to be mad at him, and apologize later.

Even though I don’t think he sees it, I think we have a really healthy relationship at the moment. Even though I’m seemingly miserable all the time, I’m really not. I mean, our situation isn’t exactly ideal, which is the main reason why I come off as miserable. I want him by my side, to be with me, to be able to hold me. But right now, it’s just not something we’re capable of. In due time we will, but until then we’ll have to settle for short, and long between visits. But I really feel the wait is worth it. It puts a lot of strain on our relationship (A LOT!!). But in the end, if we can pull through this…I think we’ll really be able to do this. I really am glad we’re going to take a chance on each other, because I really believe the reward is going to priceless. I really hope we spend the rest of our lives together.


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