Posted by: Hope | August 2, 2009

Reminiscing and Paranoid

Well I’m merely sitting here, thinking about my life and the world around me, ear buds in—jammin some OAR (awesome band, check ’em out!). I’m one week away from moving into my college dorm, and I have multiple thoughts running through my mind. I’m afraid, of failure…I’m excited, of meeting some awesome people….I’m nervous, entering in as once again, a freshman…I’m geeked, to become an awesome trumpet player with the training of an awesome trumpet professor (hopefully)….I’m saddened, to be leaving my friends and family behind…I’m disappointed, to be incapable of helping out my brother and his boys….I’m curious, to be able to figure out who I am while I’m away.

There are so many thoughts and concerns, I dont even know where to begin. I’m sure this is normal…but I’ve never really felt this way. My mom and I have an extremely strange relationship. We “secretly” love each other, you’d never be able to tell with the way we act towards the one another. She went and bought me a bunch of stuff to be prepared for my departure. I really found that to be pretty awesome of her, I didn’t even ask her to. It’s these type of little things that she does that makes me know she really does care.

I’m really troubled that we haven’t made an effort to mend our relationship. Ever since she said those really hurtful things towards me (see one of my recent, previous posts for an explanation), I haven’t really had any desire to talk to her, look at her, anything. Maybe I’m just being stubborn, but I still haven’t forgiven her yet. It sucks…I wish I would, I wish I could just move on and forget. But I dont think I will ever forget that.

Today was my official last day at work. It’s amazing how fast the time has flown by, it’s probably because so much has happened. I was really sad to leave, ya know…those people I work with are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. I’ll never forget them, and I can only hope that we will keep in touch as we go our separate ways. I received several email addresses and phone numbers (from the people I didnt hang out with regularly, like the security guards and managers). I think that’s a good sign that they really do care. Heck, one of my managers cried. Isn’t he cute for that? 🙂 I am really going to miss those guys. Even though it was “work” it was almost like my getaway…I would go there if my mom and I got into a fight, and everyone would be there, ready to hear me complain, give me hugs, and offer a beer for when they got off work. It’s good to know that people love you. It’s good to know that you always have a place to go. It’s truly sad that I wont have that option when I move two hours away. I know its only two hours…but…I’m going to be busy. I guess I can stop rambling, but just know that I love those guys as though they are my family.

My brother Kyle just moved into his own apartment today. My parents are probably going to be a wreck next week. I’ll have moved out, and Kyle will be gone too. It will be their first time ever living alone. I cant imagine what is going to be going through my fathers mind.

Speaking of my dad, did I ever tell you he’s my hero? I mean there’s really nothing in specific that comes to mind. But there have been so many times that he is my shoulder to cry on, to yell at when I’m mad…and he’s understanding of it. I respect him so much. I couldn’t ask for a better father. I really am going to miss him a lot. I’ll probably be calling everyday just so I can know he’s still ok, still there, still loves me, still interested in what is going on with me. I’ve never really lived away from home, and I’m kind of scared. This is different for me because I really am an extremely independent person. (You wouldn’t be able to tell from this post!) So me even considering the option that I would be homesick is just strange.

So as it inches closer to my departure, I’m becoming more and more upset, paranoid, depressed…yet extremely anxious. Hopefully this time away will give me the opportunity to figure out who I am, and who I really want to be. I’m so nervous. What if I fail? What if I change my mind and decide that music isn’t the right path for me? What kind of crap would that be…I have to stick with this. I can’t second guess myself, I know this is what I want. It just sucks because I know my dad doesn’t really think I should do it he keeps telling me “Music is supposed to be a hobby, not a career! Minor in math, or something…In case you cant find a job as a director right away.” I know he is probably right, but I dont want that to be an option. I dont want to teach math. I want to be a director, have my own band, have my own marching band. It’s my dream…I cant keep letting people make these type of decisions for me. I have to be persistant. I have to continue to work hard to reach my goal.

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Responses

  1. Exciting times for you!

    Work hard, have a good time in the process, and you will not fail.

    You may change course, but you will not fail.

    You ought let go of that ‘Mom’ stuff, though. All that resentment and ill will at things done in the past will just be another anchor holding you down (in some way). You don’t need it. You are hurting yourself.

    I wish you the best of luck!

    I’ll remember to pray for you.

    Bon Voyage!

  2. Each day, each breath, is a treasure. Looks like you see that anyways. Keep your chin up and stay out of trouble. Or, at least, don’t get caught…..

  3. Hope,
    I am excited for you and praying for you as you launch into a new phase of life.
    May God bless you as you go. You are in our prayers here as well, and you are always welcome to email or hit me on facebook if you want to talk or need someone to pray for you.

  4. Heh, heh, frosh… lowest form of campus life!

    What Jeff said, plus, this should be a great time of life!! can’t you get a job as a music teacher or something?
    My girls have had the oil and water relationship with Mom too, going away helps a lot!!!
    Talk to God, He listens even to freshmen!

  5. Hey now, dont make fun of me just because you wish you were as young and cool as me! haha kidding. I actually really like it here!


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