Posted by: Hope | July 22, 2009

Dont Give A Damn

This is going to be a bit crude. So if you can’t handle a few cuss words, then dont even bother reading this. Hey, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I sent this as a message to a “good” friend of mine. I figured it could count as a good update for y’ll here.

My brothers wife died Friday night. It was the most bizarre and insane situation I’ve ever seen. Mark almost died man. I cant even imagine it. They have two amazing sons. And now they are without a mother. I cant even begin to express the sorrow that we are all experiencing. I feel so useless because Mark told me he wants me by his side to help raise his kids. But i cant do a whole lot when you’re two hours away. I feel terrible for it. I might even quit Adrian and come back up here and go to U of M flint or something so I can be here. I don’t know. We’ll see.

I cant stop crying dude. I try to pull off that I’m some bad ass that never cries. But I do man. And everything is all hitting me at once and I don’t know what steps to take.

My mom and I have one of the worse relationships I’ve ever seen. It’s gotten progressively worse over the years. The other day she came into my room and told me in a very calm, subtle voice “I fucking hate you. You are the most selfish person I have ever met. I am ashamed daily to call you my daughter. I cannot wait until you leave for school, and I do not want you to come back. You are the worst child of all the 5 that I have raised and when you walk out that door I will be screaming ‘good riddance'” And guess what she had the audacity to say to me next? “I’m going to take your car to Wal-Mart. Bye” Wow….That was my final straw.

Soo….I’m done. I don’t care anymore. I’m sick of it all. I honestly dont see the point in my existence. Nobody even cares dude. People sit there and try and tell me my mom loves me, but they’re completely clueless. They havent seen the shit she’s done to me. The bitch stabbed me with a fork!

I just realized that I’ve been trying so desperately hard to fill that void….I mean, there is nothing left inside of me man. I’m empty, I’m always angry…And you probably dont give a shit to even hear this. What are you gonna do? Say you’re sorry? Yeah, that’s about all you can do. That doesnt help me man. I dont need to hear “I’m sorry”…I’ve heard that all week. I honestly dont know what I need. But I need something to fill this hole, in my heart, because I just dont give a fuck anymore.

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Responses

  1. 1. Seems like a cry for help, no? 2. I cuss more than you 3. Your twitter says how important famliy is, but what about mom, and if that stuff is true, report her to the cops. 4. Your void is your current shunning of belief. 5. I believe you still have faith, and have been trying to bury it. 6. What was “dudes” response to said message, sounds like a cry out to a friend, so did “dude” respond.
    Love ya kid!

  2. Life can sure be a bowl of horse dung, that’s for sure.

    I have felt the way you feel now a few times in my life. It is the absolute worst.

    I hope I never feel that way again…but who knows…I might.

    The only thing that I can tell you with certainty, is that it does pass. It may take awhile, but all things pass…good and bad.

    Hang in there, my friend.


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