Posted by: Hope | June 9, 2009

No more blogging, just a journal

I finally realized why I have had absolutely nothing to write about lately. It’s because I’ve always wanted to focus on religion, and considering the fact that I haven’t been absorbing myself with anything to do with religion, at all lately so I’m clearly going to draw blank. Therfore, I have decided that I am going to start focusing on my daily life as I head into the “real world”.

Starting off? Relationships. I’ve been kinda talking to two different guys right now (no, I’m not a whore). I can’t decide what I really want it is becoming fairly annoying. One guy, I dont think we’re really right for each other, but he makes me happy. It’s strange.

This other guy, his name is Eric. We actually JUST started to talk. But you see, we grew up together and then he moved in 8th grade. We dated all throughout elementary and what not (I know, you probably don’t consider that dating..but I REALLY liked this kid, and still do). We just found each other and I guess he is back in Michigan for a little while. We’ve been hanging out  a bit lately and it’s been amazing having the opportunity to catch up. Time will only tell where we go. But I’m really excited to see where it goes from here.

I haven’t hung out with my best friend since I think the last day of school (May 22nd) and it’s really killing me. I’m somewhat of a needy person and if I don’t see you in like 20 days I’m gonna begin to wonder. We’re working things through, kind of. But it sucks.

Allow me to give you some background information so I can explain how I feel. You see Desiree (my best friend), Rachel, Tara, and I have all been really close since middle school. But you see, I’ve always felt as though I was the “optional” member. Like whenever they were going somewhere it always had to be Rachel, Tara, and Desiree but Hope (me) was always the “ehh, it’d be cool. But it’s not a neccesity.” This kinda hurts me. To know that. I’ve even told them how I feel, but of course (anyone with a heart would) they denied it.

With that said, Desiree and Rachel are moving in together for college. And they’ll be within 10 minutes from Tara. Me? I’ll be at least an hour away. I know people go their own ways when college hits, but wouldn’t that mean you’d want to hang out with the person you’re going to see the least the most before they leave? Well, that’s not how it has been at all! We haven’t hung out since school got out and it’s really frustrating me. Rachel, Tara, and Desiree have made plans to go to Cedar point (I was not invited) and they are going to go to Chicago as well (I was told I am not allowed to go). Isn’t that some horse crap? I understand making plans, but it’s not even the big plans that kills me the most. It’s the facebook statuses of them saying how they’re hanging out doing random crap…and I never receive a phone call, a text, nothing. It’s frustrating. And it’s really eating at my self esteem.

I’ve been keeping myself busy. I have a lot more friends, obviously, so I have been keeping myself busy with those guys too. But that doesn’t mean I don’t really, really miss her. When you go from seeing someone every single day, and always doing something after school to doing absolutely nothing together? It sucks. Hardcore.

And that’s my vent for the evening. I hope you enjoyed hearing me rant.

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Responses

  1. Know the feeling….all to well. To be honest, inmho, all your friends are going to scatter to the wind in the next year or two. And good luck finding ones to listen, it’s becoming a selfish world. I say fuck em and just keep your eyes and ears open for people who will listen and greet you with honesty.
    Bless ya kid!

  2. Oh my! Hope why did you even refer to yourself as a “whore” for talking to two guys?

    Have you ever read the book “The Shame that Binds” by Bradshaw? I know you can get it at your local library.

    Holy cow, I’m marking your site so I can write to you periodically.

    Peace and light,
    Elizabeth : )

  3. I said I’m not a whore, didn’t mark myself as one. I suppose some people would call it playing the field…I’ve always tried to focus on one guy at a time. Not used to this whole juggling thing.

    But I’m done with the first guy now. No sense in it, we’re just too damn different.

  4. Hope,

    What I meant is that you mentioned the word whore . . . that you actually defended the idea by saying you are “not a whore.” Of course you’re not. Guys “play the field” all the time. Women ought to take a clue from this. AND I’m in no way advocating being sexual with each guy — I’m talking about getting to know the guys as people, as friends and having a few dates at a time so that one doesn’t just fall in love with one person without having some perspective.

    MOST girls try to focus on the one guy at a time thing, but then this just leads to an accelerated relationship.

    That’s all!

    Hope you are well, despite the car fiasco — it will work itself out.
    ~Elizabeth

  5. I know what you meant, and this is the exact reason why I am playing the field.

    How was your surgery?


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