I attended a birthday party of an old friends from church…well their kids. They were celebrating their son and daughters birthday and I thought it’d be cool and spend some time. As I was there I found myself pondering the past and religion.
I remember one year they went camping, as a church (it was my freshman year in high school I think) and I had gotten plastered drunk. And I remember feeling absolutely terrible about what I’d done. I called Jeremy (the father…the persons home I went to) and told him what was up. He drove down here and picked me up and I spent the night with his family at the christian “camp” thing. Everyone knew I was drunk…they could smell the alcohol from the pores of my skin. I felt terrible and judged, but I knew I made the right decision to call him. And best of all, he was there for me. The next day we talked about how he used to party and stuff. He has been a great friend throughout the years and I miss that family terribly. I hope that before I leave for college I can start spending more time with them.
But then another lady that I used to church with flat out asked me, “Hope, are you saved?” And instantly I felt propelled to turn away. I was ashamed and I could no longer look her or the people I was around in the eyes. I attempted to play it off cooly and I built up the guts to look her in the eyes and say firmly “No, no I’m not. But hey, at least I’m honest.”
As someone with a lack of faith, should this incident bother me? Or should I really think about why I feel so guilty and stupid. I know I’m not stupid and I feel really strongly in my areas of belief. I’m agnostic, and I have no shame in that. Was it just awkward for me because these were people I used to read the Word with and raise my hands in worship as we fell to our knees? I don’t know. Maybe that was it and maybe I’m thinking too deeply into why I felt so guilty and dumb. But maybe it’s because I know in my heart the truth. I don’t know. And the sad part? I’m not even sure I care that I don’t know.
Nonetheless….it was great to sit and reminisce about the old days and how things to be. It was great to see how much the kids have grown up and it makes me feel really old. Good times, amazing memories…but it’s the past. Should I just let it go?