My faith in god is eroding. It was never very thick or strong, but it was there. And it’s just slowly fading away. I feel like a sand bank that is just fading away each time it rains.
I’m giving up on religion. I love it so much, to discuss it at least. But I dont have time in my life to try and force myself to believe something. There probably is a god, it seems to be the only logical explanation of how all of this exists. But at this point, I don’t care. If god wants to send me to hell, than so be it.
I realize I sound sad, and depressed. But I’m not. I’m content with my decision. I’ll probably still go to church because I do love it. But I dont have time to read my bible, or pray 24/7 to try and make myself believe something. I’m a natural doubter and I dont think I will ever go back to the point of being a “woman of god”.
This makes me wonder what I’ll teach my children. I’m not an atheist at all, as I do believe there is a god. My definition of god and yours may or may not be the same, but to be honest at this point I do not have a clear definitive definition of what god is. I just feel that something had to have started all of this, and I call that “Thing” god. I’m not sure I would say I’m a deist, because out of all of the religious people in this world, I can’t definitively say that they have no contact with that “thing” but I do think that they may be all talking to the same thing. They’re just all really confused and all tied together to the same thing, if you ask me. (Did that make sense?)
But yeah, that still does not give me any conclusive concept of what I do believe in. If I had to pick something to teach my kids, it’d honestly have to be Christianity…but they probably wont see it reflected in my life.
We wont pray at the table, we wont pray at night together, I wont read them bible stories…but we’ll still go to church, probably be regulars just not fully engaged.
In a sense, that makes me sad. But on the other hand I dont know what else my options are.