Posted by: Hope | April 13, 2009

I Hope He’s Impressed…

I’ve been under great anxiety lately. Something is wrong with me and it really bothers me. But something I’ve also found out  that when I am under this anxiety it is the times that I get the most “logical” and really think about who I am and what I believe in.

I’m finding myself really doubting god right now and I dont understand why. Something about me, makes me really think that there is no god. But when I look at what I read, and actually think about it–I do believe that the Bible’s true. So which is it? Why am I struggling with this? Why cant I figure it out…I make myself so mad. And this stuff only arises when I am stressed, worried, and just freaking out.

I’m listening to my youth pastors last sermon before he died 4 years ago. I loved that man. He taught me everything I knew and pointed me in the right position. He cared, he was genuine, and he sincerely wanted me to stay on the right path so I didn’t go to hell. Sometimes I think about him and I wonder what he thinks of me now. I wonder if he approves, or if he’s in heaven shaking his head at who I’ve become. That scares me…



  1. It’s normal to doubt.

    The fact that you doubt and struggle says that you have faith.

    No doubts, no struggles…no faith.

    The Lord knows we doubt.

    “In our faithlessness…He is faithful.”

  2. Just wanted to throw in an additional affirmation. “theoldadam” is correct, doubt happens to all of us, myself included.

    As you dig deeper into not just the Bible but your relationship with Christ, I believe you’ll find yourself desiring more and more to be transformed not merely conforming to what God desires.

    Hebrews 4:12
    For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

    Grace and peace be with you.

  3. Hope, I miss him too. “He cared, he was genuine, and he sincerely wanted me to stay on the right path so I didn’t go to hell.” I would add that he cared more about what it meant for you not to go to hell, it meant that you could be in an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ himself. PT was incredible. He had such passion for Jesus and was able so see Jesus alive and active in His life. I remember him telling stories about crazy awesome stuff that God had done/was doing. And he was always trying to push us deeper. He wanted us to ‘get it’. He wanted us to experience God in our lives at a greater measure than he ever did. I remember hearing his sermons and longing to ‘get it’, but I never really did. After his death, I was woken up from some sort of slumber and I began to see the very things he was talking about. That summer after his death, I spent in the DR and a team came that were totally in love with Jesus, they ‘got it’. Through this team, God brought a baby out of a comma, released a woman from demonic oppression, healed two people who were deaf and mute that they heard and spoke, all before my very eyes. They also were passionate about Jesus and were serious about spending time with Him and knowing Him in an intimate way. I was so amazed by God and challenged to dig deeper and to ‘get it’ myself. It wasn’t until I went away to college and was stuck in Ireland for a semester, struggling with the challenges of my Dad leaving and not being around to do something about it, that I finally started to understand what it mean to be best friends with God. I would take walks with him along the Irish sea and he counseled me and became my friend.
    Since then I’ve started to understand what PT was talking about. I remember him telling us how he used to dance with Jesus and how wonderful it was. Well I started doing it and I LOVE IT! There is something so amazing about spending time with Jesus, an intimacy so great, so beautiful. PT wanted us to understand what it means to know Jesus. To spend time with him and experience him, in our personal lives and in the lives of those around us.

    So what might he say now? Don’t give up. Keep pressin’ on. He always prayed that we would have a greater measure of God that he had and I think he would tell both of us to keep pursuing Jesus. Keep seeking to know our Savior King who longs to be our best friend. Is he impressed, no, he wants you to ‘get it’, he would never be satisfied until you knew Jesus like he did. If he were still here he would probably lova ya, kick ya in the butt and get on his face and pray for you. I remember one day at youth group, I was frustrated b/c a lot of my friends that I had been bringing had stopped coming. PT came up to me and said “I won’t ever give up on them and neither will God.” So Hope, PT hasn’t given up on you, nor have I, and neither has God. Keep going!

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