I have no idea what I believe anymore. At least I used to be able to say “I don’t believe” And that was my belief. That was simple, and I honestly didn’t have to explain myself that much. But as soon as I stepped foot into the world of “Christianity” again, I’m so screwed. I have no concept of what I TRULY believe. I have a glimpse of what I used to believe, but does that truly represent me and my feelings on the world, religion, and life? No. It really doesn’t. I am much more liberal than I used to be.
I was talking to a buddy yesterday about all of my confusions (he is one of the most liberal Christians I have ever met). We got onto the subject of hell and sin. Obviously, this is one of the main issues people have with Christianity as it contradicts everything. I don’t want to ramble about hell, because thats a post for another day. But, he asked me what I believed in terms of it and I said something sarcastic like “Well, I dunno, but I’m sure that when I meet Paul at the gate he’ll pull the lever for me to go there.” He asked me if I seriously believed that and then we went onto discussing liberal Christianity vs. conservative (fundie) Christianity.
Well, what I wound up realizing is that I keep lying to myself because I don’t know where to start. I claim my “old” religious beliefs, because I don’t know what else to believe. I have never been taught anything else so how am I supposed to grasp onto anything but what I’ve been taught? I told him that I’m a “fake fundie” because deep down I know I have issues with things, I know I don’t take the Bible literally in many areas, I do believe the Bible has flaws and a lot of it is man-made. So where does this put me? Well, a very complicated spot. I attend a fairly “conservative” church and they are all basically fundies. So how am I supposed to go about this then? I love my church, I love my pastors, why change? I don’t plan on it and I never will change unless I move out of state (even then, I will come visit every chance I get).
I guess it comes down to me teaching myself. It will take a lot of will power and time, but I can do it. I don’t know what I believe now in big, dark, bold print. But, I know that I am not conservative, I know that I have problems with some things. Now, all I have to work out the kinks and try and back up my beliefs.
Here we go…This will probably take me the rest of my life, but at least I am willing to accept the fact that I am not like everyone else.