Posted by: Hope | November 23, 2008

Gods Power

As a new found believer in Christ (again) my greatest fear is failure. Failure of what? Well, I’ve been down this road before. I’ve attempted to follow Christ before, but for some reason I always wind up running right back to disbelief and anger at god. Why? What is my problem? Well…I don’t know…..I can’t figure out why I have such a hard time grasping god and sticking with it. Ever since I began studying apologetics I have found it difficult for me to believe in God.


My fear of failure has kept me from going back for quite a long time now. I have finally realized why I need to go back to religion. Let us go back in time, when I used to be a Christian, shall we?

About 6 years ago I found God. I found God all on my own too. It wasn’t forced, my parents weren’t of any influence, and my friends sure as heck didn’t pressure me into it. I found God, and I chased after him. I made him a huge priority in my life and my faith in him was so powerful, that looking back at who I used to be…I’m pretty impressed.


Before I found god my family fought a lot. None of us really liked each other that much, and there was a lot of tension. When I found god, it didn’t change much. But as god changed me, I began to watch my family change before my eyes as well. You see, my brother was a Junior or Senior in high school when I got saved. All of his buddies drank and partied, and as did he. I would almost everyday witness to my brother and beg him to stop his actions and come to the Lord. I daily cried out to god for his salvation and change of heart. Finally, the day I had been waiting for arrived!! My brother attended church with me and soon after his life began to change. He accepted Christ, and we would go to church together on a very regular basis. He began to date a godly woman from the church and I saw his life become much brighter. Instead of weed and alcohol he was high on life and worshiped god for it. I was so happy! Not only did my brothers life changed, but our home life got a lot better too. My mother wasn’t as rude and everyone really just started to act like a family again. Life was really good.

Well, soon enough, my youth pastor died. He was a huge influence on my life and I will forever miss him. But after he died, my faith began to as well. It’s amazing what happens to a persons faith when something bad occurs. As my faith died, so did my family. I fell into drinking and my brother fell back into it as well. We partied a lot together. We’d get drunk Saturday nights and go worship god Sunday mornings and not feel a damn sense of guilt about it. It was simple: we weren’t saved anymore. We didn’t care. We just acted like we did, to make everyone think everything was okay, but it wasn’t.

pt-grave(his grave sight)

Around this time I began studying apologetics. Of course, this forced me to try and defend my faith to nonbelievers. I tried the best I could, but I soon realized that what I was saying was much weaker than their thoughts. After about a year of studying and debating, I began to call myself an Atheist. Without going into too much more detail I was going back and forth from religion to disbelief on a very regular basis. This has now lasted me for about four years of failure to be connected with God.

Now, if you have read any of my past blogs you would be well aware of the status of my family. We hate each other. My home life is terrible and I cannot wait to graduate and move out. We have our times that we get along, but it is very rare. I’ve found myself crying myself to sleep several times from complete and utter depression. There have been days at which my mother would tell me that she hates me and thinks I’m a horrible person and she cannot believe the person I’ve grown up to be. Statements like that can truly damage a person for life. It is so heart breaking, the feeling that your own mother doesn’t care.

This is exactly why I have came back to God. I am so sick of the life I’ve been living. I myself do not like who I’ve become. I hate what my family has turned into. I’ve tried to fix it on my own and I’ve realized that it is impossible to fix something so broken without the power of God in my life.




  1. Hi. I just found you blog and am impressed by the sincerety of your writing. I will keep you and your family in prayer. The enemy is really trying hard to destroy the lives of those whom Jesus came to set free. I know of so many familes in my immediate area that are in complete chaos. They are spiritual battles, but greater is Christ that is in us, than he that is in the world.

    I noticed on your “about” page that you are near Flint. We live south of Kalamazoo in the town of Constantine. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’ll stop by again when I have more time.

    Have a blessed evening in Jesus.


  2. Hope –

    I got your email so I came over to read your post. I absolutely remember you! Thank you for bringing me to this post. So many thoughts as I read through your writing. I cannot begin to tell you how your transparency is so healthy and refreshing. Dare I say that many Christians are not willing to admit their questions, their failures, their fears as to not appear “christian” anymore.

    I am very sorry to hear about your family situation. I will pray that God can and will use you to model grace and patience with them. Lean into his strength over the next few months as you near a time when you will no longer be in their presence and home. You never know the impact that God can and will be through you in your home. He has placed you there for a reason. He has also burdened your heart for them. Be Jesus to your family as best you can. Allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through you.

    The beauty of your post is that God never left you. No matter how far you feel that you were away from him, he never left you. Your searching and studying of apologetics may serve you with tools to reach others at a time when you feel ready and strong enough to do so. So often God can go to the place where we feel most weak or ashamed and use that as the very place that he can use us to bring glory and honor to himself. He never left you Hope.

    Thank you again for alerting me to your post as it has given me something and someone to pray for. I will be praying that God can continue the good work he began in you to completion as he promised. I will be praying that God can use you in your home to model his grace. Please keep me posted Hope. I will check back often as well.

  3. Abandon apologetics. It will never benefit your faith. Instead embrace whats around you. Look for the face of God in the person you are speaking to at the moment. Find his arms in the quiet moments of contemplation. Revel in him as the seasons change.

    Jesus said that his kingdom is right here in our midst. He is here for those with eyes to see.

  4. I, too, will keep you and your family in prayer.

  5. Well, hope you find what you are looking for man. Perhaps what you find will help me.

  6. Thanks for all of the encouragement guys, I appreciate it more than you know.

    celerytas: what exactly are you saying?

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