As a new found believer in Christ (again) my greatest fear is failure. Failure of what? Well, I’ve been down this road before. I’ve attempted to follow Christ before, but for some reason I always wind up running right back to disbelief and anger at god. Why? What is my problem? Well…I don’t know…..I can’t figure out why I have such a hard time grasping god and sticking with it. Ever since I began studying apologetics I have found it difficult for me to believe in God.
My fear of failure has kept me from going back for quite a long time now. I have finally realized why I need to go back to religion. Let us go back in time, when I used to be a Christian, shall we?
About 6 years ago I found God. I found God all on my own too. It wasn’t forced, my parents weren’t of any influence, and my friends sure as heck didn’t pressure me into it. I found God, and I chased after him. I made him a huge priority in my life and my faith in him was so powerful, that looking back at who I used to be…I’m pretty impressed.
Before I found god my family fought a lot. None of us really liked each other that much, and there was a lot of tension. When I found god, it didn’t change much. But as god changed me, I began to watch my family change before my eyes as well. You see, my brother was a Junior or Senior in high school when I got saved. All of his buddies drank and partied, and as did he. I would almost everyday witness to my brother and beg him to stop his actions and come to the Lord. I daily cried out to god for his salvation and change of heart. Finally, the day I had been waiting for arrived!! My brother attended church with me and soon after his life began to change. He accepted Christ, and we would go to church together on a very regular basis. He began to date a godly woman from the church and I saw his life become much brighter. Instead of weed and alcohol he was high on life and worshiped god for it. I was so happy! Not only did my brothers life changed, but our home life got a lot better too. My mother wasn’t as rude and everyone really just started to act like a family again. Life was really good.
Well, soon enough, my youth pastor died. He was a huge influence on my life and I will forever miss him. But after he died, my faith began to as well. It’s amazing what happens to a persons faith when something bad occurs. As my faith died, so did my family. I fell into drinking and my brother fell back into it as well. We partied a lot together. We’d get drunk Saturday nights and go worship god Sunday mornings and not feel a damn sense of guilt about it. It was simple: we weren’t saved anymore. We didn’t care. We just acted like we did, to make everyone think everything was okay, but it wasn’t.
Around this time I began studying apologetics. Of course, this forced me to try and defend my faith to nonbelievers. I tried the best I could, but I soon realized that what I was saying was much weaker than their thoughts. After about a year of studying and debating, I began to call myself an Atheist. Without going into too much more detail I was going back and forth from religion to disbelief on a very regular basis. This has now lasted me for about four years of failure to be connected with God.
Now, if you have read any of my past blogs you would be well aware of the status of my family. We hate each other. My home life is terrible and I cannot wait to graduate and move out. We have our times that we get along, but it is very rare. I’ve found myself crying myself to sleep several times from complete and utter depression. There have been days at which my mother would tell me that she hates me and thinks I’m a horrible person and she cannot believe the person I’ve grown up to be. Statements like that can truly damage a person for life. It is so heart breaking, the feeling that your own mother doesn’t care.
This is exactly why I have came back to God. I am so sick of the life I’ve been living. I myself do not like who I’ve become. I hate what my family has turned into. I’ve tried to fix it on my own and I’ve realized that it is impossible to fix something so broken without the power of God in my life.