Today I spent about an hour going through a lot my old things and files. I was thinking about how next year I have to do my senior project, which is basically making a scrapbook based off of my life and achievements. I was reading old report cards (which surprisingly I wasn’t as intelligent as I thought I was) and teachers comments. It was fun to really sit back and remember the old days. It really made me finally realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I mean crap, I’ll be graduating from High school in like a year from now. Thats insane to me. It seems like just yesterday I was in fourth grade building forts and playing tag in the yard. I cannot believe how fast time has flown by.
It actually is kind of sad. I never really realized how good life was back then, and in reality I’ll probably be saying the same thing ten years from now about who I am today. Maybe its just because I’m still young and naive, but I seem to just want life to fly by. I don’t really treasure my life and how great it is right now. Instead, I think about how “crappy” I feel my life is, but in reality I’m having the best time of my life that I’ll probably ever have. I mean, I think money is tight for me? Ha! I don’t have any bills to pay! Sure I have goals to buy a car and its frustrating on how long its taking me to get anywhere near a reasonable amount of money to invest in a car.
And then about my religion? Where the hell did it go? Where did my morals go?! My entire life I was taught to believe in God and make my number one in everything. Sure, we didn’t pray at the dinner table or go to church every Sunday, but I was taught that there is a god and that he loves me and I should love him back. Why did I ever change my mind?
I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday about this kinda stuff. I told him the truth and how I was so sick and tired of going back and forth between being a Christian and an agnostic/atheist. So…I picked the one in which would cause the most change in my life, and seemed the most reasonable. But now when I look back and really ponder on why I don’t believe in god…I can’t answer that question anymore. I’m sure all my atheist would just say “oh, you just haven’t kept up on your apologetics.” Sure…maybe….but really? I mean, you’d think I’d have some idea on why I don’t believe in god.
The only prospect I can even sort of think of in terms of why I don’t is that I think the concept of hell is just horrible. I don’t get it, so many people have so many different opinions how in the frick are you supposed to know which religion to choose out of the 100’s? And if you don’t choose the right one, your automatically screwed in the ya know where and sent to an everlasting place of torment for just “picking one”??? Come on!! That’s absurd and completely ridiculous. So maybe that one aspect is keeping me from being a religious person. I mean, it’s not just Christianity…all (well, the main ones) have some type of hell that separates those people that religion from everyone else. And I don’t think that be ok.
Needless to say, I’m really starting to think about who I am and why I am who I am today. And it really reminds me of a great quote that I’ll always cherish:
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. ~David Russell