Last night I got into a discussion with John (my boyfriend) about my schooling and career. Basically I explained to him the basics of how confused I am and if I really should be a Veterinarian and if I really am intelligent enough to do it. Basically, I was second guessing myself. I was considering being a Vet Tech instead (a lot less schooling, but doesn’t make as much) and well, I was truly conflicted and still am. But, he wound up telling me to pray about it. And well, I basically said that I saw no point in me praying because why would I pray to something I dont even believe in? It’d be like my praying to Santa…I just wouldn’t see the point. Well, I’m not so sure he “enjoyed” hearing me saying that….and long story short he wound up holding me really tight and praying for me. It was really an awkward situation for me and I wasn’t quite sure how to respond or feel. I haven’t prayed in a long time, and I haven’t really had any desire to pray in a long time. So when I was engaged in prayer, it brought back a lot of memories, that I really didn’t want to come back. And it confused me. I found myself back at a state of confliction of whether or not I believed or not. And all over one simple prayer. It’s amazing what one prayer can do to someone.
So now I’m sure many of you are wondering if I actually believe again. And well my answer to that is I don’t know. I don’t think I do, but I’m just conflicted. John and I after the prayer discussed religion a lot more. And I expressed to him how confused I was, and always have been. I don’t really truly know what I believe. I began to call myself an Atheist because I was sick and tired of going back and forth. And well, I just stuck with it. And in reality that is why when people ask why I am an Atheist I can’t really answer that question. Sure, there are things that bothered me about God and religion in terms of apologetics, and sure they still do bother me. But, why would I allow those things to keep me from something I treasured so much? I loved religion, Christianity, and everything that came with it. Why would I pull away?
I don’t have an answer for that.
So…I dunno. I have a lot of thinking to do. Figured I’d let you all know that I’m back to my confused state. I try not to concentrate on it all that much.