Posted by: Hope | December 5, 2007

Ah, The Agony

I had a somewhat bad experience today and yesterday. Let’s start with yesterday, shall we? Yesterday I had to wear something for my English class that would make me “stand out” and possibly get weird, or interesting reactions. Well, after a bit of thinking I decided I would make and wear a shirt that says “Yup…I’m an Atheist.” Well first off, to set the record straight–I’m not. And second off, I had a hard time doing this, it actually took convincing of a friend to finally take off my jacket. Why was this so hard for me? Good question! I found this so difficult because of my “Christian buddies” I have. Some of them think I’m a Christian again after my recent retreat. So I don’t feel like bursting their bubbles and informing them that I’ve slowly accepted that I’m unsure of how real that experience was. Its tough to go around wearing something that makes people look, and even make rude comments towards. I was shocked (seriously) at how many terrible responses I got. And then I showed a friend of mine (the person that had to convince me to take off my jacket) and he went and told one of those friends of mine that were at that retreat with me. This friend came up to me, looking very distraught, and asked if he could see my shirt and then proceeded to unzip my jacket…when he read the words he looked as if he was almost in tears. And at this moment, I knew that the rest of that day was going to be extremely difficult. I was truly at a lack of words of how to explain myself, and I truly couldn’t. So I said the most close thing to the truth that I could and said that it was for school and I’m truly not an Atheist. All of that was true, and not a lie…so I didn’t feel so bad for not explaining the entire truth. Long story short–that day wound up sucking. There’s not much else to say about it, except that I did get a 10/10 for the shirt…he really dug it. 🙂

And now for todays episode. This is a small, but sad story (at least for me). My mom had called my name telling me that Julie and Mark needed an idea of what to get me for Christmas because one of them drew my name. Well, I said I would write down a list of books that I was interested in. Well, obviously (if you went to the link) it was a fairly large list so she asked me one that I was specifically interested in, when I named the book I then mumbled “and if she isn’t in the mood to buy me an atheist book then..” in which I then named another book, but was a christian book. And thats when my mother looked and me in almost an extremely pissed off look and said “An ATHEIST book???!” This is when I took a deep sigh and though “oooh no!” My mom continued “you know, the more you listen and read and engage your stuff in that shit the more easy it is for you to believe it.” I then thought to my self ‘oh yeah, and I can say that for every single religion including Christianity’ but truly responded in a sarcastic tone “yup mom, I’m well aware of that.” This may or may not sound like a big deal to you, but my mom (shoot, my parents) have no idea of my doubts or the fact that I’m so engaged in the topic of religion. I mean, you’d figure they’d catch on after a while, but they definitely have not. So this was basically the hard way of telling them (well, my mom) that “yeah…I’m not 100% sure there is a god, especially the god you believe in.” My mom has been frightened for me ever since I got involved with the church (Christianity) hardcore about four years ago. She was always so afraid that I would wind up in this terrible church that brainwashed my into believing some BS. But being an Atheist is something that never even crossed her mind as a possibility with me. This was a definite hard moment for me. And I’m still dreading ever saying those words.

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