Posted by: Hope | August 24, 2007

Trust is a Must

So I have come to enjoy late night blogging. I don’t blog as much as some people. And I’m actually just now starting to pick up the pace a little. But I’m actually starting to really enjoy it. It is peaceful and quiet. Everyone is sleeping, I can even hear crickets chirping outside. There is no fighting, there is no yelling, there is no noise at all and I love it. It is extremely relaxing, especially after a long day like today.

Today I came to realize that trust is so easily broken, and very hard to meld back.  From personal experience and from observations of people even within my own family. Trust has always been something I’ve completely and totally cherished. Once that trust is broken the entire relationship between that person and I completely falls apart. Have you ever tried to put the pieces back to a relationship after trust has been broken? Wow, it is insanely difficult. I’m young, so I don’t have that many experiences with that. But I have already, at the age of 16, had way too many than I ever wanted. That number is small actually, I can honestly only think of three of the top of my head. And two of them, well…those relationships will probably never be fixed.

The one that I’m still working on today is my relationship with my mother. Not many people are aware that her and I aren’t as close as we should be. We’ve gone up and down for the last four years. As a kid, I was so close to my mom that I insisted that I slept in her room. I never ever wanted to leave her side. This continued until I was at least ten. But now? Well, we can hardly talk to each other for five minutes without one of us starting a fight. No, I do not put all of the blame on her. I can very well be an asshole myself at times. Do I put all of the blame on myself? Well of course not, it takes two to tango.

I really did make a big mistake last year. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything more stupid in my entire life. Very few people know about it, and I intend to keep it that way. So with that said, lets just say I made a mistake and it definitely broke the trust between my mother and I. I’ve spent the last year (mostly all of this year…I don’t think I realized my stupidity until January) trying to mend this relationship. I’ve done some serious kiss ass. Is it sincere kiss ass? Well, yes…it truly is. I can see how that may sound weird but it is very true. I love my mother and I do not want our relationship to be hanging by a thread for the rest of my life. Do we still fight today, even after all of my brown nosing? Hell yeah! We fight constantly. Hardly a day goes by without us fighting. But I know that in the end, our trust and relationship is slowly growing again. Its a very slow, painful walk…but its worth it.

On practically the same note…today my brother Kyle and my mother got into a pretty big fight. I’m not exactly sure why it went to the degree that it did, but I guess Kyle lied about breaking the lamp. She confronted him and he told her he hadn’t a clue.  And man oh man did that make her furious. Here I am sitting down in the family room and the next thing I know I hear yelling, screaming, and dishes being thrown. It was insane. I’ve been there before with my mom, but it is painful to watch from the outside this type of fighting. I can handle bickering, but this? Ahh, it’s a little bit more than I can handle. Well, when it finally got to the point where I thought my brother was going to wind up punching my mom he was so angry I decided to jump in (made myself very vulnerable for getting thrown into the fight which is definitely something I was avoiding) and try and break them up. Next thing I know Kyle is balling, my dad walks in from work and all I can do is just watch. My dad tells my mom to just leave him alone and let him be. This to her of course meant that he was picking Kyle’s side. Which of course, only made things worse. Ah, I suppose I’ll stop there. The story from there is quite boring. I try comforting Kyle, which then also says that I’m picking Kyle’s side. Next thing I know? I don’t see my mom until eleven o’clock at night.

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