So I’m supposedly a “professing” christian again. woop-dee-doo. Yeah, Obviously…it’s not going so hot. I still have the same questions, the same doubts, and I still dont feel shit. I’m the same person I have always been. I haven’t changed at all. I do the same things, I say the same things, and I feel the same way. God hasn’t “touched” me. I thought he had. I dont know what I think. I’m not going to jump off the wagon quite yet. I dont know why. I have a gut feeling that there is a god and im just doing it ALL wrong. Haha, Ok…that is probably wrong. There shouldn’t be this “manual” way to know God. I dunno, hopefully I’ll start going to a youth ministry sometime soon. Someplace that I’ll enjoy. I dunno where yet. I’m considering Tara’s church…after all, they did kinda get me back on this path. But I’m not big on the whole idea of going to a Baptist church. Nothin against my baptist friends, but some of the doctrine things are just completely different than mine. Hey, maybe I’ll stay at my church, New Life. After all, Jason is leaving. (In August…yay!) Meh, I like Jason as a person, but as a youth pastor? Ha, just not for me brotha man. Not working.
So anyways, I wanted to post on here my “journal” that I wrote when I was down in Ohio with Tara’s church.
Day 1: Today started off to an awkward start. I knew no one or well, very few, and barely at all at that. Trying to feel comfortable was very difficult for me at first…I guess I’m really bad at the whole “get to know” thing. It’s awkward and I dont like it. We got split up by sexes in the vans. I quickly clang to the only female I really knew, Tara. As the ride hours added up I somehow began to feel more and more comfortable. We stopped twice for bathroom breaks. Oddly enough, even those made me feel more welcome. when we finally arrived we unpacked and went to our rooms.
Coming into here I had decided that I would not be open to “christianity”. So throughout all of the concerts and worship I was being extremely stubborn. But by the end of the night during Jeremy Camps concert I just began to feel extremely “uneasy”…I was so conlicted. I didnt want to jump into anything based off of emotion. Plus my pride seemed to be holding me back. In some odd way I really like where I’m at. But in another way it is the WORST feeling ever. Anyways, by the final song by JC I was (almost seemed as if it was out of nowhere) raising my hands and praying to God. Ten minutes later I was right back to my conflicted, almost pissed at myself for doing what I had done. The devotion was about sewing our seeds in ourselves. Mark 4:3-9.
Day 2: This morning started off with everyone being really tired from a lack of sleep. For breakfast most people made themselves a waffle, but I just had a bagel and coffee. The rollercoasters we cool. My favorite was this ride called Face Off. It was some extreme adrenaline. While in line for the son of the beast I got pretty PO’d when Kayl said that there was no such thing as an Atheist. The ignorance of the statement only reminded me why I cant stand fundies
Yes, again at the concert, this time Newsboys, I seemed to have felt this odd “conviction”. The lead singer talked about going through doubts and what it took for him to go back. I dont know. But right now I’m pretty sure I believe in a God, prolly the Christian one. I dont know if I should jump back in because I know I wont be committed. What should I do? How do I know if its real of just emotions? I dont know how to tell the diff. 😦
Day 3: Sadly, I didnt write anything on day three. I really wish I had. This was the day that we went to the water park, that I talked to DJ, and that I accepted Christ back into my life. I wish so badly I’d wrote down how I felt that night. Argh, it irritates me so badly that I didn’t write anything.
So, do I believe in a God? Yes. I think I do. However, to me…it doesn’t seem as if he connects with us on a personal level. I know that is a weird belief for a Christian to have. But maybe that makes me not a Christian. I dont know. Maybe God does connect with us, but not with me. Or maybe he does, because according to my journal that I left I felt SOMETHING. Doesn’t that account for something? I dunno.