You ever just wish you could go back and have things exactly the same that they used to be? To just forget all of your current worries, take back all the words, take back everything, and just have it all be in that little happy place that you once were in. I totally wish I could do that right now. Life used to be so awesome. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy life now how it is. But not nearly as much as I used to. Everything used to be so “perfect”. I went to church 4 days a week, which meant I never was bored and had nothing to do. My brother had an amazing girlfriend that I completely adored and considered my best friend. My family was a lot nicer to each other, we loved and respected each other. All of my friends were like my family and most of them were from church. I was always just so happy, and never bored. I loved God, I knew what I believed, I had no doubts in my mind at all. Life was just “good”.
Now I’m just living life, bored 95% of the time, with absolutely nothing to do. I go to church maybe (MAYBE!) once a week, my church friends definitely aren’t my “family” anymore. I miss them, but I dont think that is a mutual feeling at all. My brother has a different girlfriend, one I do care about but by no means do I consider her a best friend…maybe a good friend. My family has an issue with that whole “lets all get along” thing. We’re constantly fighting. Luckily though, I consider Kyle, my brother, one of my best friends, probably my best friend. My dad is pretty close to the same. My mom *is* getting better about being a bitch half the time, but its a very slow progress and it still sucks. I definitely aint in “love” with God anymore. I don’t know what I believe, I don’t know anything about my beliefs. They’re so fudged up right now, I just don’t get it at all. At first when I began to doubt I knew why…I knew why I doubted and I could argue, debate, and explain my reasonings. Now I’m just like “blah..I dont know”. I have no idea why I doubt…its hard for me to explain my reasonings behind my doubt, or what my doubt even is. And because of that it makes me think “well, why the hell aren’t I a Christian right now then?” If I have no idea what my doubts are, why I doubt, or anything like that..then what the fudge is holding me back? I dont get it. But yet, even so I refuse to turn to Christianity (as of now). I don’t know if it’s out of me being purely stubborn or if…I dunno. I just don’t know.