Well I figured I should update, though there isn’t much to update on.
About me losing faith–I’m still basically in the same spot. I’m trying to accept it all, but it’s hard. A lot harder than I ever imagined, and it truly gives me a greater respect for the people who have gone through what I am..or something similar to it.
The pain of what I’m losing is so great, I don’t know how else to explain it. But it’s just like losing someone from being in a serious relationship with them for X amount of years and then all of a sudden that being just gone…in an instant. Or losing trust in someone, just there are so many random things that I could compare it to. But faith is such a comforting feeling, and I never realized how comforting it really was. I loved being where I was at, I loved believing in God, and just loving and serving him. I haven’t completely switched over to Atheism, and I’m really hoping I don’t. I want to believe in God, and I’m continually praying that he refreshes my faith in him, but it’s not working. I don’t know if its just cause I’m not willing, if its something I’m doing..I’m holding back, i don’t know. I don’t know why he isn’t helping me. Maybe its just another sign that he really just doesn’t exist. I wish I knew. Things would be a lot easier. This shouldn’t be so hard, and I can imagine how silly I sound. This “pain” that I’m feeling probably sounds like a big joke. But i guess you don’t realize how much in love you are with something (a person, religion, an item….) until its gone. I know I’ve learned that in several life experiences…with P.T, a few love experiences, my dog, and now religion.
I do want to thank those of you have been there for me, and given me advice, and just a hand the last few days. I can’t thank you guys enough for your kindness. You’ve all been wonderful, and I apologize if I’m slightly bitter, or distant within the next few months as I’m not going through the best time in my life.
Though, in the more chipper part I do want to say that it’s exciting searching for truth, and I truly desire to know the truth. I never realized how much strive I had to want to learn the truth, but I know I’ve always wanted to know it. And the last three years, I thought I had known it. But, I guess not. (I turned 3 on St. Patricks day, lol).