I posted this on my blog on Myspace, thought I’d share it with you guys. Kind of a response to my blog about the winter retreat I had in Mid-February.
Well, I’m still confused on what I believe anymore. I THOUGHT I’d come back to the point of believing in God (not having any doubts), after I had came home from a winter retreat with my youth group, I’d felt so many things and stuff..I had come to the conclusion that there had to be a God. Well, now that I’m back in reality, things are quite different, and knowledge and reasoning is making me say “man, I don’t think I believe in God.” My brother Kyle and I got into a debate the other day on the subject of religion. By the time we were done he was like “wait, are you sure you believe in God?” because everything I was arguing…Hell, the Bible, Christians, etc. etc. etc….sounded so “atheistic”. Then I went on to tell him that I like to call myself an Agnostic Christian (yes, it’s real…). So..that’s pretty much where I’m at though. I am hesitant to call myself an Atheist, though I do believe it will eventually come into that. I just don’t want to be one of those Atheists that can’t fully explain why they don’t believe in God. I’m not 100% there yet, but am getting there fast. I can’t come back to Jesus with doubts like these. I can’t force myself to believe something, it’s just not right. When your at the point where your not even sure God exists, it’s just wrong to try and force yourself onto Jesus. My brain is having severe conflicting thoughts. I used to be this “oh hey! Go Jesus! I LOVE the Bible!!” But now..I’m heading towards the opposite of that. So, I’m basically just going through a large transition, and its tough.
Which brings me to another thing. I love my church. I love the people. They mean the world to me and I don’t know what I would do without them. But with these doubts, what am I to do? I’d feel like a hypocrite walking in there acting like everything is ok, but it’s not ok. But I don’t want to get into a discussion about it with anyone, honestly. I don’t want to sit down and listen to people tell me “oh, but jesus is there for you and cant wait for you to come back to him” I’ve heard it all, I’ve seen it all. I can’t just go wrong back to him. It’s not like that at all…there’s so much crap going on in my little brain, I don’t know what to think. So yeah, I don’t know what I should do about my church or if I should keep going. I can’t imagine not going to church, it’s been literally my LIFE the last three years. So I don’t know.
And what about my family? They all believe in God. You realize how WEIRD it would be for me at Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. etc. when they all want to say a prayer and I’m just sitting there like “man, they don’t even know I dont believe in God….how am I supposed to pray to something I dont even believe in?” It’d be awkward as hell. And I have no idea how they’d react. I’m pretty sure Kyle would look down on me, because I know how he reacts on the subject of Atheists. I don’t really know about everyone else, they’d probably want to know why and probably think it was weird and that I was stupid.
Talking in grave detail about these things is so hard with people you love. It almost seems to “ruin” part of the relationship you have with that person, so that’s the last thing I want to do. Besides, I’m not even to the point where I 100% don’t believe in God. It’s more like 60-70%. So…that’s where I’m at.