Posted by: Hope | January 29, 2007

Questioning Faith

I am afraid that I am going through a very slow deconversion. It scares the crap out of me.

I think the beginning of it started when I started to question god about hell. I didn’t understand why god would throw someone in a pit of ‘fire’ for eternity. Well, I’ve done my research on that and have come to the conclusion that I do not believe in that version of hell. I don’t want to go into grave detail on what I do believe, but that is not what I believe hell is. That view sadistic and wrong.

Everything else hasn’t really been fully clear on what my direct problems are with everything. I know that I use my personal experience as a net to save me to remind me that there is a god. But when I’m told that everything I’ve experienced could possibly be just different chemicals in my brain doing different things, and not actually that there is actually a god making me feel this way. It’s just like how different types of music can evoke different feelings. Different chemical stuff in the brain occurs causing different emotions. That’s why when in church different songs (fast, slow, medium, loud, soft, hymnal, etc) evoke different emotions and cause different experiences. At least that is how it has been with me. These experiences are things that I’ve always thought PROVED there was a god. I’ve felt these things, and seen the strength and the power and just the overwhelming feeling that while I was worshiping there was a god right there with me, holding me and loving me.

Everything else like I said is all a blob right now. I believe in god and I still love god. But my faith is weakened and I’m scared. I’m so scared that I’m going to come to the point of not believing in god. I hope this is not the case and I hope that eventually after I am done studying and learning that I come to the conclusion that there is a god. I hope I come to the realization to something that I can know that I know whatever I wind up believing. I just can only hope that that “know” will be me knowing there is a god.

I just figured I should put this down in writing while I’m thinking about it! 🙂

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