A bear and an Atheist:
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: “Oh my God….!”
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. “They’re christian kittens, sir” the boy replied. So the preacher, nods, smiles and walks along. Two weeks later he comes across the same boy and asks “How are those christian kittens doing?” The boy smiles at him, looks up and says “Oh, they’re not christian kittens anymore”
The preacher, shocked by this exclaims “What… why not?!?” The boy continues to smile and looks at him, “Well, ya see, now they’re eyes are open and they’re atheists.”
The Baptist dog:
A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog.
They asked the owner, “Do you have a Baptist dog?”
Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, “Yes… yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description.”
So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, “Let’s see if this is a real Baptist dog.” So the father said to the dog, “Go get a Bible.”
And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet.
Impressed, the father continued, “Let’s see if this dog knows its books of the Bible… Turn to Psalm 23”.
The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23.
Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do.
Finally, the friends asked, “Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?”
The Baptist father wondered and said, “Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve never tried.” He then ordered the dog, “Heel.”
Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father’s lap and placed its paw on the man’s head and started to pray.
“Wait a minute!” exclaimed the Baptist mother, “This dog isn’t Baptist! It’s Pentecostal!”
How many trinitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, but they’re really only one.
My brother is dyslexic. He’s also an atheist. He believes that there is no dog.
Ya know what the worst thing is about being an atheist?
No one to shout to when the sex is good….
Jesus said, Whom do men say that I am? And his disciples answered and said, “Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or another of the old prophets.” Jesus asked: “But whom do you say that I am?” Peter answered, “Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple.”
And Jesus answering, said, “Huh?”
Who was the greatest sinner in the Bible?
Moses – he broke all ten commandments at once.
Who was the greatest economist in the Bible?
Noah – he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
What kind of a man was Boaz before he married?
Well, he was obviously Ruth-less.
And who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson – he brought the house down.
And finally, who is the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
David- he rocked Goliath to sleep.
So why was Goliath surprised when he was brought down by a slingshot?
The concept had never entered his head before.